Headline Writers Leave Me Hanging Sliders

Posted in Headlines on September 16th, 2014 by Brian

Study: Parents Stop Using Booster Seats Too Soon

I gave mine up too soon.

Arkansas Mulls Alcoholic Beverage Ballot Issue

They’ve added spices to it and served it warm?

That’s Okay, Words Don’t Mean Anything

Posted in Headlines on August 21st, 2014 by Brian

A Blind Legend, the All Audio Video Game for the Blind

If it’s all audio, it’s not video. It’s an all-audio computer game.

UPDATE: Welcome, Neatorama readers. Don’t forget to check out John Donnelly’s Gold, my novel about four laid-off IT workers who plot a heist against their CEO for revenge. It’s available in paperback, in the iTunes store, and for the Kindle (for only $.99!).

I’ll Take Misleading Headlines For $200, Alex

Posted in Headlines on July 15th, 2014 by Brian

Stealing canned corn could bring 10-year prison term

What is this? A story of a three-strikes-and-your-out mishap, where some starving miser steals a can of corn to feed his malnourished children and faces an inhumane sentence because he’s stolen two cans of corn previously? Not hardly.

The specific charge to which both Nunn and Sherley pleaded guilty involves a theft that occurred on May 11, 2013, at the Snappy Mart Truck Stop in West Plains. Nunn and Sherley stole a 2000 Wabash trailer (valued at $7,500), which contained a load of Green Giant canned corn (valued at $73,008).

The trailer, owned by Bryant Freight, was in transit from Minnesota to a food bank in Arkansas. Nunn and Sherley admitted they traveled through Missouri and Indiana with the stolen cargo before being apprehended in Michigan.

They stole a trailer full of corn. Bound for a food bank.

And they’d done this before.

Canned corn, indeed. Maybe the headline writer couldn’t spell trailer and load of cargo.

Not Exactly Strangers

Posted in Headlines on February 27th, 2014 by Brian

Headline: Two Missouri dads arrested after fight at kindergarteners’ play.

It sounds like it might be an instance of a couple of competitive paterfamilias duking it out over whose urchin made the better barnyard animal or something, does it not?

In reality:

One of the men was the stepfather of a child in the play. The other was his biological father.

Yeah, that’s a domestic disturbance in an exotic location.

Bonus points to the actual article writer, too, for making it sound like a double homicide.

Tortoise Death Panels

Posted in Headlines on August 26th, 2013 by Brian

The government subsidizes a living creature, and when the money runs out, it’s dirt nap time:

Federal funds are running out at the Desert Tortoise Conservation Center and officials plan to close the site and euthanize hundreds of the tortoises they’ve been caring for since the animals were added to the endangered species list in 1990.

You see, they have these endangered living creatures that they can no longer continue to provide for with tax dollars.

So do they put them out in the wild and let them take their chances? No, that’s inhumane.

Do they put them up for adoption in case the individuals or organizations can take care of them? No, that’s inhumane.

Euthanasia is the only answer.

The threat of just killing the turtles (If we can’t have them, NOBODY CAN!) is designed to either get the Federal fiscal firehose turned back on or get more private donations. But private donations are fickle, and Federal funds are forever, or the tortoise get it.

Old 880 Honored by the United States Mint

Posted in Headlines, History on August 14th, 2013 by Brian

The new $100 bills, as reimagined by Old 880:

For the past few years, the Federal Reserve has been preparing to introduce a redesigned hundred-dollar bill into circulation. It will have a Liberty Bell that changes color, a new hidden message on Ben Franklin’s collar, and tiny 3-D images that move when you tilt the bill this way or that. But delay has followed delay. And now again: The New Yorker has learned that another production snafu has taken place at one of the country’s two currency factories, according to a document from the Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

The cause of the latest blunder is something known as “mashing,” according to Darlene Anderson, a spokeswoman for the bureau. When too much ink is applied to the paper, the lines of the artwork aren’t as crisp as they should be, like when a kid tries to carefully color inside the lines—using watercolors and a fat paintbrush.

Old 880, as you might remember, was a bad counterfeiter of $1 bills.

(Link via Instapundit.)

Rejected New Names for EADS

Posted in Headlines, Humor on August 1st, 2013 by Brian

Vodkapundit comments on the renaming of EADS to Airbus Group and thinks it sounds like a band name.

Well, what would he have thought these names that they ultimately rejected?

  • t.A.T.u. The Plane
  • Jefferson Airbus
  • The Ever Winner Airbus Group
  • E.A.D.S.L.O.
  • Oengo Boenigo

But, on the plus side, you can still call its employees Airbus Groupies.

Missouri Leads the Way in Avoiding Passage of Faddish, Ineffective Legislation Outlawing More and More Individual Behaviors

Posted in Headlines on April 7th, 2013 by Brian

Well, that’s not how the papers cast it, of course. They say Missouri still lags in passing key driver safety laws, mainly driving while texting.

Have you ever noticed how the newspapers always point out that this district or that community (or state) has ‘fallen behind’ others in their rates of taxation and that when legislative bodies don’t rush headlong to curtail freedom by outlawing this or outlawing that or by spending public monies profligately, that the government is somehow falling down on the job?

It’s almost as though the papers think freedom of the press means only the press should be free or something.

Scanning the Star Wars Headlines, I Must Overreact Erroneously

Posted in Headlines, Movies on November 7th, 2012 by Brian

Headline: In the Works: Vaughn Rumored for New ‘Star Wars’ Installment; Ford Interested in Revisiting Han Solo.

Appropriate Internet Uninformed Overresponse: Good god, Disney! Vince Vaughn in Star Wars? What are you doing?

Although maybe my inference from last names tips more of my taste in films and pop cultural centering than I should publicly admit.

Get Daddy’s Halberd; He’s Going to Help

Posted in Headlines on June 11th, 2012 by Brian

The headline seems to indicate a volunteering opportunity:

Help sought in attacks

But it doesn’t appear like we’re going to storm a castle after all.

The subhead confuses me a little: “Postal carriers ask the city for assistance with aggressive dogs”.

What does that mean? Would I be helping the postal carriers, the dogs, or the city in a double-cross of the postal carriers?

I suppose I could read the article, but headlines are much more fun without the stories, where I fill in the gaps myself. Kind of like politics and governance.

Some See The Geiger Counter As Half Empty

Posted in Headlines on May 30th, 2012 by Brian

News: Radioactive bluefin tuna crossed the Pacific to U.S..

Optimist says: Finally, scientists have created seafood with three drumsticks.

That’s a Great Place for a Violent Metaphor

Posted in Headlines on January 31st, 2012 by Brian

Headline: Keep supporting fight against child abuse in the Ozarks

Yeah! Let’s beat child abuse like a red-haired stepchild!

Remember TJIC?

Posted in Headlines on October 26th, 2011 by Brian

You remember in January, a blogger in Massachusetts posted a piece about an armed insurrection, and the Massachusetts police visited him and took away his guns and essentially knocked him off the Internet? I do.

I thought of that this morning in contrast to the mobs camped out in various cities, relatively untouched by the police. Some, like the one in LA, feature calls to revolution, and in a lot of cities crimes occur near or within the encampments. Yet they go on.

What is the difference between a libertarian gun owner musing on insurrection on the Internet and large numbers of leftists gathered in cities? That’s a rhetorical question.

UPDATE: Thanks for the link, Ms. K.. Hey, gentle reader, if you’re in IT, you might find my blog QA Hates You interesting. Or disturbing.

There’s Only One Way This Headline Is Not Redundant

Posted in Headlines on August 16th, 2011 by Brian

Obama fences, parries at start of Midwestern tour

Parrying is an integral part of the sport of fencing; saying the President fences, parries is like saying the President fishes, casts his line.

The only way that headline is not redundant is if the President is selling stolen goods. Or maybe putting up some chain link. I’ll let you guess which metaphor serves him least.

Too-Open Carry

Posted in Headlines on August 12th, 2011 by Brian

Police say naked gunman flees from Illinois into Missouri

Dude, welcome to the Show-Me State. Now, don’t show us so much.

If I Find It, Is There A Reward?

Posted in Headlines on August 2nd, 2011 by Brian

Charter loses $107 million

‘Cause if there’s not, and I do, I’m not telling anyone except my local Bugatti dealer.

A Headline You Would Not Have Seen 25 Years Ago

Posted in Headlines, Music on June 1st, 2011 by Brian

Judas Priest coming to Family Arena

Well, then, it’s at the Family Arena. Bring your kids.

Hell, old man, bring your grandchildren.

Autobot-Decepticon Crossfire Is Dangerous

Posted in Headlines on May 14th, 2011 by Brian

Transformer fire may have tripped tornado sirens across St. Charles County

Vikings Fans Do Not Want 100 More Years Of Favre Retirement Speculation

Posted in Headlines on March 15th, 2011 by Brian

Bill Would Ban Human Cloning In Minnesota

But until a similar bill passes in Mississippi, we cannot be safe.

How Bad Are School Budgets These Days?

Posted in Headlines on February 28th, 2011 by Brian

Apparently, very bad:

Park Hills district may swipe textbooks for e-readers

So bad schools have to resort to theft.