Musings from Brian J. Noggle

Barbara Bush cuts a political ad in favor of gay marriage:

And all I think is She could be Wilma Deering in the Buck Rogers reboot.

Owen Wister, The Virginian:

There can be no doubt of this: All America is divided into two classes,–the quality and the equality.

The latter will always recognize the former when mistaken for it. Both will be with us until our women bear nothing but hangs.

It was through the Declaration of Independence that we Americans acknowledged the ETERNAL INEQUALITY of man. For by it we abolished a cut-and-dried aristocracy. We had seen little mere artificially held up in high places, and great men artificially held down in low places, and our own justice-loving hearts abhorred this violence to human nature. Therefore, we decreed that every man should thenceforth have equal liberty to find his own level. By this very decree we aknowledged and gave freedom to true aristocracy, saying, “Let the best man win, whoever he is.” Let the best man win! That is America’s word. That is true democracy. And true democracy and true aristocracy are one and the same thing. If anybody cannot see this, so much the worse for his eyesight.

Of course, that was popular literature when America was on the ascent.

I’m not gonna get all down on Big Pharmaceuticals here, but don’t the names these days sound a little more mythic than they need to?

Because when I hear about Uloric, immediately I think of a giant blond man with a horned helmet, bearing the mighty four-bladed Xanax in his quest to defeat the unhuman Prinvil and their allies the demonic Zestril and to defend the mighty artifact the Zocor from the predations of the Norvasc and their tyrannical warlord Zithromax.

I think we could build a whole mythology here, or at least keep a comic book running for 40 years, not counting the time spent on alt-history and alt-present stories.

First of all, Merry Christmas to my Christian readers. And happy holidays to everyone else.

Now, I know I’ve made fun of organizations that use “Happy Holidays” instead of Merry Christmas (well, just this Catholic university). I know it’s the time for getting into high dudgeon about ignoring the significance of the Christian holiday at a time when Christianity is under siege in the country and the world. However, before one gets all a-bluster about not saying or not being excited about receiving a “Merry Christmas,” consider why one says that at all.

If it’s just a greeting-of-the-day sort of thing, nothing more than a general “Good day,” then why bother? Just say, “Good morning.”

Of course, it’s not just a timely greeting of the day. It carries additional significance. For many, it’s a reminder of the birth of Christ, the redemption of man, and the fulfillment of a promise from Yahweh. That is what the day means to Christians, and it has a very particular significance. It also celebrates a festival of sorts, some family time, good will, and the more secular emanations of the event. Peace on earth, goodwill to men and so on.

So: consider what you mean when you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.

If you say “Merry Christmas,” to another Christian, of course it’s a greeting and a reminder of shared values and whatnot. If you say “Merry Christmas” to someone who is not a Christian, it’s a lot like saying, “Happy Independence Day” to a Canadian or having a Canadian say “Happy Victoria Day” to you. You might as well say “Merry Saturday.” Merry Christmas lacks the special significance textually to the non-Christian recipient. If you say it to share the general goodwill of the season, as you probably do, there’s nothing wrong with it. However, “Happy Holidays” captures this spirit, too, and organizations and commercial enterprises that deal with more than just Christians might not so much want to throw the Christian holiday to the lions as to share the goodwill emanating from the holiday to all.

Of course, if your purpose in saying “Merry Christmas” is to greet fellow Christians only and to proselytize to the non-believers at the same time, to throw in their face their heathen status, and to serve as the single calling to God after which the non-believers can burn in Hell for believing differently, I can see why it’s very important that everything in Christendom bear those words in that order.

Of course, it’s most likely not the intention. Instead, most who say “Merry Christmas” are the former, sharing general goodwill and fellowship. So what’s the difference, then, between saying, “Happy holidays” versus “Merry Christmas”?

Too many Christians think that their religion is under assault from secularists who want to take the lower case t out of Christmas because it looks like a cross and turn the holiday into Chrismas. Or something. They’re afraid that inclusiveness in cheer and well-wishing is going to strip their meaning from the holiday.

Crikey, the generic tidings of a marketing team or a right-thinking fellow can’t diminish the birth of Christ and your celebration of it that much, can they? I should hope not. Besides, the person who says it to you probably means pretty much the same thing as you do except he or she is expressing it as he or she can.

On the flip side, of course, anyone who gets wished a Merry Christmas who gets insulted because he, she, or it is not a Christian should take the tiding in the spirit in which it was probably offered and spare the self-righteous indignation at the ignorance of the Christer who offers it. For Pete’s sake, hail the all powerful Pete, All-Doing and All-Seeing immortal Pete, it’s not a direct attack on the fact that you’re different from the speaker. Punch the END button before your attorney answers and respond “Merry Christmas” or say “Happy Holidays” instead, or “May Pete’s Sweat of Opulence fall upon you” and let it go.

Headline of the day, or at least the morning before 7am: Music business leads to a career in retail industry.

Wait, I’m being handed a late-breaking bulletin!

• Theatre business leads to career in food service industry!
• Writing business leads to career in caffeine dispensation industry!
• College degree in [strSensitiveCauseDuJour] Studies leads to career in cleaning Mom’s house, reluctantly and occasionally, in return for bunk and a couple bucks for gas!

(Yes, I realize the headline links to a story about a public relations person in the retail industry, not someone greeting people at Wal-mart. But what’s the fun in going off on a tear if you have to stick to reality?)

Wherein “gold” in this case might mean “$12″:

For a nation at war with its own values, “Fair Game” is a compelling, pertinent and scrupulously true political thriller in the honorable tradition of “All the President’s Men.”

Valerie Plame, smartly portrayed by Naomi Watts, was a CIA operative who specialized in defusing the nuclear ambitions of terrorists and rogue regimes. When President George W. Bush’s administration said Iraq was stockpiling uranium from Africa, it didn’t square with Plame’s information. She suggested to her bosses that her husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson (Sean Penn), was qualified to investigate.

When the American public goes to films, it doesn’t go to see artists twisting facts to make a compelling narrative designed to hector America and Americans; that’s why a couple of them still take their daily papers.

I predict Fair Game comes in 9th this week if not lower.

My preschool child brought home this worksheet:

Not to put too fine a point on it, but American money doesn’t look like that any more.

Sometimes, I could use a modern cheat sheet in my pocket to help me identify which coins are which.

Angela Dorian, PMOY 1968, is in custody for attempted murder.

She appeared in the original Star Trek episode “Assignment: Earth” as Isis, the cat/human companion of Gary Seven.

I just read Star Trek: The Eugenic Wars, which features the characters Gary Seven and Isis.

It’s getting harder and harder to explain these intersections to my wife, particularly after the whole Shannon Tweed/The Firing Line film selection. But therein lies another story.

UPDATE: Name changed to protect the presumed innocent as corrected by Charles Hill in the comments.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Thomas Kinkade & John Deere Illuminated Christmas Village.

The only way to up-schlock this item would be to put a USS Enterprise in the sky above it or put little Precious Moment figures in it somewhere.

UPDATE: John indicates the link doesn’t work. Forget about that and see what I saw advertised initially: the Thomas Kinkade & John Deere Sleigh Bell Ornament Set.

Now, imagine how much more awesome it would be if it had something Dale Earnhardt about it.

Apparently, a British survey of some sort REM most likely to make men cry:

EVERYBODY Hurts by REM is the song most likely to make grown men cry.

The teary ballad sung by Michael Stipe and used as a Haiti earthquake charity single earlier this year was named in a recent survey.

On one hand, this survey was taken in Britain, where we have secretly replaced Real Men with yobs on crystal, and apparently no one has noticed. On the same hand, they don’t have resonant patriotic songs over there.

Because, frankly, I cannot speak ex cathedra about what real men might or might not do, but there’s not an REM song in the world that moves me in any fashion whatsoever.

Songs that move me (and by move, I don’t mean make me cry, but make my breast well up and my eyes pinch a bit) include “The Star-Spangled Banner”, “God Bless America”, “God Bless the USA”, and some other patriotic songs when I think about the heritage I might pass onto my children. Sometimes I get twinged by songs about fathers and sons (not “The Living Years”, though). When I was a young man, the song that made me saddest in a romantic vein was “Hearts Away” by Nightranger. Go figure.

But “Everybody Hurts”? Come on, that’s a retread of Wilson Phillips “Hold On” if you slowed it down, made it more self-indulgent, and shaved Chynna Phillips’ head.

Maybe after a decade and a half of Labour in power in Britain, though, it’s a song everyone there can relate to.

Hear the Music Live:

Hear the Music live was created to reach out to pre-teens and teens in foster homes and orphanages to give them the opportunity to attend a concert in their local area that they may otherwise never have the opportunity to see.

At Hear the Music Live, we understand that pre-teens and teens in foster care homes or orphanages may not have the opportunity to enjoy activities that other teens are experiencing. We hope to bring some joy to these teens through music. Hear the Music Live is the vision of our founder, Steven Nornhold who has a life-long passion for music and understands that some teens are missing out on some opportunities that many others take for granted.

You know, that’s not high on my list of funding priorities. I was 18 before I won tickets on a radio show and saw my first concert, and somehow I managed.

Still, when concert attendance declines as prices continue to go up, it’s good to see someone helping prop up the industry.

Want to avoid fiscal doomsday that could come when the stock market collapses, the Chinese sell the bonds, people run on their banks, and the Federal government cannot cover depositors?

Do what I’m doing: I’m taking my money from bank accounts that offer almost 0% interest and are subject to collapse, and I’m putting it into Amazon gift cards that I apply to my Amazon prime account.

Because when the bank is running on E and chains its doors, Amazon will still be there, shipping out groceries and DVDs.

A green spa.

Because when you’re being self-indulgent and opulent, you need to feel as though you’re doing good.

I have a great new idea for a non-profit organization, and I’m going to get in on the ground floor and get rich. My stunning idea:

An Urban Chicken Rescue Organization.

Throughout Missouri and probably the nation, people are deciding that they want to raise chickens in their suburban and urban backyards (see stories in St. Louis and Springfield). These people are doing it as part of an environmental nutbar fad and they’re doing it with a bit of Internet research and without any experience in farming or treating livestock qua livestock instead of livestock qua food-providing-pet.

Ergo, when their circumstances change, when they get tired of them, or when they reach the end of the hens’ productive years, people are going to need to get rid of these damn birds. Are they going to slaughter them? Of course not! They’d just as soon slay their bichon frise or lifestyle accessory only child.

That’s where my UCRO steps in. It will give them a conscience-friendly way to get rid of their chickens without having to turn them loose on the streets (although there wouldn’t be much of a pack of stray chickens problem if there are any stray dogs or cats about or foxes, coyotes, or automobiles). UCRO can save cities from the dreaded Giant Chickens in the Sewers rumor, too, although to be honest, I’d rather help perpetuate that myth.

So send your checks and money orders as soon as I get my 501(c) status and start paying myself a hefty salary to help young green hipsters out of their foolishness. For a fool and his chicken will soon be parted for a small gift to my forthcoming charitable organization.

UPDATE: Hey, thanks for the link, Ms. K. If you readers are in IT, don’t forget to check out my QA blog QA Hates You.

A heartwarming tale of how a courier company saved an elderly woman from a scam artist:

There will be some of that today, but first comes an attaboy for Nick Kirkou, owner of Crestwood-based Ontime Express courier service.

On Wednesday afternoon, Kirkou’s company was hired to deliver three sales contracts to a south St. Louis County woman. Pretty routine stuff, until Kirkou took a closer look.

The contracts would allow an Arizona company to charge $15,000 to the South County woman’s credit card. In exchange, the woman would get what the contracts described as a “mini laptop and wireless mouse” and 15,000 telemarketing and e-mail “blasting” leads.

Kirkou didn’t think it was a very good deal. Even with a mini laptop, whatever that is. Still, Kirkou figured, it wasn’t his place to get involved.

Then he called the woman. She seemed elderly, and an unlikely e-mail marketer.

Kirkou asked the woman, a 90-year-old widow, if she agreed to buy the sales leads. She said no. Kirkou said he called the Arizona outfit, and he couldn’t get straight answers.

You know what I ask myself?

Why was the courier reading the contents of what it was supposed to deliver?

This is even worse than those heartwarming tales of recycling facilities returning checks to their proper owners, which makes me wonder how close of attention they’re paying to other bits of recycled mail like credit card statements or credit card offers or what have you.

How come the journalists never clear that mystery up for us?

On Facebook, I posted this photo that I cribbed from Big Hollywood:

Immediately, one of my few liberal progressive authoritarian acquaintances chimed in:

Tell me about this photo.

You know, I wasn’t born then, either, but I can tell you what happened in Czechoslovakia in 1968.

But those who would rule us (or who would elect rulers) sort of fail just about any history exam they’re given, do they not?

(Link seen on Instapundit.)

UPDATE:

Just to keep you apprised of the conversation:

Brian J. Noggle
Here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prague_Spring

While American students and whatnot were facing down The Man with sit ins, long hair, and all that feldercarb, Czechs and Slovaks were baring their chests to tanks.

That’s resisting oppression.

Brian J. Noggle
Sorry, I sorta minimized it. They weren’t just baring their chests to tanks like American university students were standing up to the campus police.

They were dying, too.

Authoritarian:
I agree. And it is good of you to recognize the anniversary of that battle today. Many Americans dont even know it happened because we – as usual – were too busy with our own struggles.
That said. many people have died for the freedoms we en…joy today. Though it wasn’t bloody and gory like Prague Spring or the struggles in Darfur today, every BODY counts.
Oppression never occurs without collateral damage.

Awesome. And this particularly authoritarian is not unintelligent.

Or just unknown.

In a story about how the Auto-Tune The News guys are getting a television series, and we get this:

With this move, the Gregorys join a small but growing cadre of folks who have managed to move from the online space to television: The Onion, Fred and Sh*t My Dad Says, to name a few notables.

As we all know, The Onion started as an actual newspaper in Madison, Wisconsin.

Or some of us know.

Put that on your Beloit College Mindset List, I guess.

The new annual Beloit College Mindset list is out. You know, the list that indicates that this crop of college students is so young that they never drove a rear wheel car or never dialed a phone but always punched numbers, that sort of thing.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the things on this year’s list are kind of trivial changes, aren’t they?

66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.

67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.

68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.

69. The Post Office has always been going broke.

70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.

And so on.

Maybe it’s that Beloit College is now compelled by the list’s notoriety to put something out every year, but the kids don’t know how to write in cursive? Lands’ sakes (a saying kids these days don’t use), but I was taught cursive in elementary school, but one could argue that I don’t know how to write in cursive.

I think it says something about the flattening of our culture in the last couple of decades and perhaps how technology changes in since the middle of the 1990s haven’t been so revolutionary. We’ve had the Internet popularly and the Web mostly through that span, and no matter how fanboys spin it, the iPod is really just a souped up Walkman. A change in degree, but not a revolution.

Do you think in fifteen years these lists will be meaningful, or just silly? Or, worse, do you think these things will be in poor taste if most of the changes are bad (This year’s freshmen have never eaten ice cream since the FDA added it to the banned foods list.).

You know when they started changing the way American money looks after like 50 years of quarters and dollar bills to make them look more like foreign monies?

They were planning to devalue the currency even then.

Think about it, man. Suddenly, you’re looking at your pile of change on your dresser and you can’t tell your fifty different US quarters from Canadian money or your nickels from other silver coins, and suddenly your big, colorful five dollar bills have a 3-d image of Lincoln on them. You start thinking, this isn’t the money I grew up with. This isn’t real money at all.

Then, BAM! It ain’t.

In addition to the teddy bear trophy that she wants in the worst way, note that MfBJN has found one of those wookiee suits she always talks about and misspells:

Apparently, the rumor on the Internet is that Adidas is actually going to make these.

She’s going to have some kind of Christmas this year.

(Link seen on NeatoGeek.)