I’ve built a time machine powered by a glowing meteorite that fell into my back yard. It’s only enough power for one trip back in time, so I’m either going to kill Hitler or stop Paul Granders from releasing that annoying song “Bigger Smiles” that swept the Internet and then real life when people make that obnoxious “Bigger Smile” gesture. For Pete’s sake, every last contestant on this season of American Ninja Warrior made that stupid sign at the starting line, probably in partnership with the Bigger Smiles for Dental Hygiene Awareness Foundation.
At any rate, I’m not decided yet, but by the time you read this, I will have made our present a better place, I hope.
UPDATE: Mission accomplished! Thank goodness!
Hey, wait a minute. What’s with this heart shape made with your hands nonsense? Dammit!