As some of you know, I’ve taken to baking some sweet breads these days, mostly because when life gives you zucchini (and by “gives you,” I mean overruns your yard and threatens to crush your silly brick home, mortal), you make zucchini bread. But after the zucchini ran out after a successful rogue insect team insertion, I decided to try some other breads and a couple of pies. That said, I’m no Cunegonde because I’m not that pretty.
Recipes and cook books sure have a lot of different verbs in them, don’t they? The authors use the mandate tense and order me to do a lot of different things to the poor ingredients, but I am a simple man, with a simple Oster hand mixer that goes to six. As such, whatever the verb in the recipe, seriously, they can’t mean anything but “Mix at 6,” can they?
- Cream the eggs and butter? Set the mixer to six.
- Fold the nuts into the batter? Set the mixer to six.
- Combine the flour and spices? Put on a dust mask and set the mixer to six.
- Chop the walnuts? Set the mixer to six and chase them around the bowl until they’re small.
I mean, seriously, can we lose the thesaurus here and just admit that there’s nothing to it?
Also, what’s up with the order of combining things? Just pour it in the bowl and mix it at six.
Everyone remains polite when accepting the breads, anyway. Because they fear the creepy man with the mixer with the long extension cord.
Very funny. You should have a humor column. I especially like your tendency to refer to yourself in the third person, as though you’re actually a set of disturbing multiple personalities hiding beneath a facade of middle class Missouri normalcy. But that’s just shtick, right?
It’s just a title. However, who knows what DSM5 will cover.
That being said, as far as a humor column goes, I’d thought I was training myself up for something like that but never lucked into it. And now I’m not sure I’d have the discipline for it. As you can see, this blog only offers up the funny every once in a while, not regular enough to draw attention nor prove my value as a columnist.