Be Like Kate

Like Kate at Electric Venom, I have discovered:

You damn kids playing like you know the 80s when the 80s are as near to you as the damn 60s were to me in the 80s. I’m telling you for the last freaking time, Sade and Slade are DIFFERENT. They’re not even pronounced the same. Get offa my lawn before I turn the hose on you!

At Least They’re Not the BBC

Ananova reports that Sky, an independent network in Britain, has decided to shelve its reality show Find Me a Man, wherein a number of male contestants vied for the affection of a woman who, like Joe Millionaire, was not what she seemed to be. As a matter of fact, it was a pre op transexual.

Please play it. It’s not that I want to see it, even for the schadenfraülein; instead, I want the pool of idiots who sign on for these shows to dry up. And nothing will do it better than watching men unknowingly kissing another man. Who would sign up thinking, “I could be that guy!”

Come to think of it, it probably wouldn’t diminsh the pool of attention starved nutbars who sign up for these things anyway. I take it back. Don’t show it and inspire one of the diminishing-returns US networks to pick it up, too.

More On Box Cutters on Planes

Addendum to my box cutters post:

You know all the box cutters found individually on planes throughout the country? Your paranoia shidoshi has a surprisingly simple explanation. Call it Occam’s Boxcutter if you will. Is it terrorists doing dry runs to see what they can successfully smuggle? Is it an underground of students out to humiliate the TSA?

Or is it simply honest Americans that suddenly discover that they have put their boxcutters in their pockets and suddenly find themselves committing a felony at 42,000 feet?

Believe you me, I would wipe my fingerprints off of it and put it in the seat beside me, too.

Remember, B. Holden Wants Not To Close Loopholes, But To Determine Who Passes Through Them

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch, oddly enough, entitles this story “Small firms will pay piper if big companies get tax break”.

Stop the O’Learying presses, wouldja? So someone has to make up the difference when the state passes out millions of dollars to Ford, Chrysler, Boeing, or any of the other dozen or so companies that employ a couple of thousand people whenever one of those companies rattles its cup among the various states when contemplating whether to move or not?

Lord, love a duck, I know I am an English major, but this sort of thing just seems obvious to me. It’s about time a journalist catches up.

Of course, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch will forget this concern the next time that one of these companies decides it can get a better handout from Kentucky and will run breathless stories about the negotiating and the threats of layoffs, and you, taxpayer, will be forgotten.

Quote of the Day

From a Tech Central Station article about the rather forward CEO of Ryanair, Mike O’Leary, we have this nugget of wisdom about portfolio allocation:

I don’t want to get stuck like those dot com f—-ing goons that lost everything because they failed to realize their paper wealth.

Diversify from those options, kiddies. Not that I’ll have that trouble, of course, since I’ve put all my money in liquor, canned goods, can openers, and firearms. That’s all the portfolio diversification you need.

Sportswriter Blames Schwarzenegger for California Wildfires

Jeff Gordon of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch writes in his Tipsheet column:


LIFT WEIGHTS, RUN FOR OFFICE

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger got a warm reception when he presented medals at the 39th annual Mr. Olympia contest. He’s huge with the flex-and-pose crowd.

“Finally, I feel at home again,” he told a crowd of 6,000 in Las Vegas. “This is a terrific sport, and if it wouldn’t have been for bodybuilding, I wouldn’t have any of this. It’s a great foundation.”

Added Mr. Olympia founder Joe Weider, “Finally it’s beginning to dawn on the world that bodybuilders are smart. They develop determination. They don’t give up. They don’t lose. If they ever apply that to any profession . . . they can be a great success.”

Meanwhile, back in California, the southern half of the state was ablaze with brush fires.

Gordo, Non Sequitur does not play third line center for the Montreal Canadiens. You cannot even blame Schwarzenegger, or say he hasn’t done enough to stop the fires because he’s not even office yet.

I understand you media types, even you sportswriters, want to blame current Republican officeholders for unrelated problems that preceded their terms of office, but come on. Maybe you should go back to your normal job, which is blaming the current state of the Blues on the Brendan Shanahan tampering charge from 1991. Damn that Larry Pleau! How could he?

Hotel Fire Alarms with Instapundit

His Glenness relates a story about his recent trip wherein he and his family were in a hotel when the fire alarm sounded. InstaFamily escaped quickly, and the hotel sprinklers quickly doused the fire.

At least it was a real fire.

Last time I was in Milwaukee, staying in the Hyatt Regency, the fire alarm went off twice. Once on Saturday afternoon, when I was taking my pre-drinking nap and once at 3 am Sunday morning during my post-drinking-pre-driving-home slumber, someone tripped the fire alarm. Your paranoia shidoshi leapt into his trousers, shirt, and shoes quickly and stumbled, quite groggily in the second case, made his way down the narrow concrete steps.

If all the hotel’s denizens had been trying to make their ways down the stairs at the time, we would have had trouble. The stairs were only two people wide, and I was on the ninth floor. That would have made for some trampling if shidoshi had to sacrifice their lives to preserve his….

Oh, but no. The staircase was empty. All other patrons in the hotel waited in their rooms for the announcement that it was a false alarm.

Interesting strategy, guaranteed to only fail once.

My students, when that fire alarm rings, buzzes, or beeps, you leave the building. Perhaps Ashton Kutcher, wearing a fireman’s helmet, will meet you at on the street to tell you you’ve been punked. But maybe he won’t..

Or, if you’d rather not give up cable until you have to, feel free to make Brian J. Noggle the beneficiary of your traveler’s insurance as you go (e-mail me for my SSN, which you’ll need for the forms).

And do not ask your shidoshi about the “coincidence” that he never accepts employment in an office above the fifth floor, nor look in his lower left drawer and seek explanation for the fifty feet of nylon clothesline you might find.

Thank you, that is all.

A Forthright eBay Auction

As a recovering amateur eBay seller, I can appreciate this seller’s forthright listing:

    Let me begin by explaining some very important details, this way I do not get 100’s of silly emails asking me to photograph the hind end of some stuffed animals. I DO NOT KNOW crap about these things. This belonged to my ex-wife who had about a 1000 of these Beanie Babies and when she moved, this one box of these got left behind, and now I am selling the goofy little things. Whatever money I make from them will be spent at the local Home Depot on tools and other cool stuff. I do not know which of these babies is retired or new, or whatever. I will list them in no particular order. I will tell you what its name is on the tag, if it has a plastic box or something. All these critter have been stored indoors, and are from a non-smoking home. Again, please do not send me emails asking me to photograp this or that. I am starting the auction at $10.00 and at that price I figure you all can take a chance. I understand from a friends wife that people are afraid to get fakes. FAKES? Fake plush toys? I was amazed. I thought people forged money, not childrens toys. Well I can only say, that 99% of these goofy toys were bought with my money, from eiter the local Hallmark Store, or one of the dozen or so Southern Craft/ collectibles stores I had to go to on a weekly basis buying these ridiculos toys years ago. Happy Bidding! Please take these critters from me so I can buy tools.

    Final Notice and Disclaimer: I know nothing about these stuffed Beanie Babies. I offer no proof of anything. It is a stuffed animal, get over it! I don’t think my ex-wife was in the Black Market Beanie Trade..but then again, I didn’t know she was having an affair either! Thus no gauruntees! All have theior little Heart Shaped tags on their ears.

    Ants – Armidillo
    Almond – Bear
    Knuckles – Pig
    Humphrey – Camel

    Tiptoe – Rat (I must have picked this one)
    Pig – Zodiac Pic (huh?)
    Chipper- Chipmunk or Squirrel (Not Sure)
    Neon – Sea Horse or Sea Serpent

    Goatee- Goat
    Prickles – Hedge Hog
    Steg – Dinosaur (Stegasaurus I guess)
    Manny – Mannatee
    Paul – Walrus (Hey I get that joke..koo-koo-ka-choo)
    Rabbit- Rabbit (Zodiac Critter)
    Sheets – Ghost
    Rainbow – Lizard (cameleon?)
    Batty- Bat

    Peanut – Elephant (comes in a plastic see-thru box)
    Britannia – Bear with British Flag

    Germania – Bear with German Flag

    Eucalyptus – Koala Bear

    Web – Spider (I must have picked all the ugly ones!)
    Beak – Kiwi Bird?

    Scaly – Komodo Dragon or other lizard..not sure!
    Mystic – Unicorn

    Nuts – Squirrel

    (Not Pictured) Mickey Mouse in Hockey Uniform

    ALL OF THEM HAVE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS TAG ON THE EARS!


    On Sep-19-03 at 12:47:48 PDT, seller added the following information:

    A very kind Ebayer wrote me an email and said the following:

    The valuable beanies here are Steg (dinosaur), Humphrey(camel), web (spider) and peanut (elephant). They are worth considerably more if they have the red heart hang tags and if the tags are in good shape – no creases or tears. If you wouldn’t mind giving me more info on those. Also, if you added more info to the auction I’m sure you could get more $$ for your tools!

    To answer her question: I looked and to the best of my looking at them all. None of the ones she mentioned have any torn tags or creased tags. In fact NONE of the little critters have messed up tags. People have been telling me these critters are worth alot of money. I know nothing about them, and told you everything you need to know up in the description. I make no claims on value, and to be honest. I am amazed anyine pays more then a dollar a piece for these things. What happened to collecting STAMPS? Pay what you want for them! IT ALL GOES TO HOMEDEPOT !!!!!! and BEER!


    On Sep-21-03 at 12:21:32 PDT, seller added the following information:

    Okay all you people with nothing better to do! ENOUGH WITH THE EMAILS! I thought I was clear with all that. Here is an Email that I just got from some lady who felt she will try to save my sould or something! Read Below:

    Very clever listing; however it is very likely you have some fakes (counterfeits) among the listing and I suggest you pull them from the auctions until you have them authenticated. Humphrey the camel is an example. It is a requirement of eBay as well as unde the provisions of the U.S. Criminal Cpode that a seller know the authenticity of a trademarked item s/he is selling. Also, an authenticated rare beanie will bring lots of money on the auctions. I’ll let you know the others that are likely fakes, and further it is very unlikely your ex would have left behind these rare ones. If she had 1000 beanies, she knew what she had and their value.

    To sell counterfeits of a trademarked item wold make you a common criminal. Are you being honest? If so, cancel the auction, relist the common beanies, and send the rest for authentication. It would be well worth it financially and would make you honest. Taisha

    WELL TAISHA! I don’t CARE! I told everyone in the begining everything I know and don’t know about these STUPID animals! I ahve an idea for all people that are so worried about this…..DON’t BID! I dont care! I am so upset that this clown of a woman figured out my SUPER PLAN TO SCAM MILLIONS FROM THE UNKNOWING BEANIE WORLD! I FIGURED I WOULD RETIRE FROM THIS RUSE! What a dolt she is! I have blocked her from my bidder list, that way she can cry about it. Some people are UNREAL! GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winning bid was $860. Better than I ever did, even any single auction in the great Playboy Job of 2000.

(Link seen on Pejmanesque.)